New Beginnings

Here I am, sitting at my new desk at Luther College, 5 hours from the comfort of my home. I see it as the sunrise to my new life. I have been given a chance many people would kill for and most do not get. I get to start college over, to be who I truly want to be. After a semester of being unhappy about 98% of the time I am ready to be a very happy person and I can't wait to see what the future will bring. I think that I am already beginning to be one of those "I LOVE LUTHER" people, someone who can't see themselves anywhere else. I love my roommates and my floor. Basically I just love it though it is still hard. I still feel a little lost and I don't know all of the inside jokes, though I am always included. It is more of my home than Drake ever was yet I am still not entirely at home here yet either. I feel in limbo with no real place I fit in perfectly yet though I'm sure that day will come very soon. Yesterday I decided to join the soccer team here. Yes, the actual varsity team, not club anymore. I was beyond excited! That is until I went and lifted with the team. Beforehand we played some soccer, which was fun and the girls were really nice yet I felt like an outsider, not part of the team. But I guess this is to be expected, joining the team in the middle of the year. It was even worse when we had to max on bench. I am probably the weakest athlete ever and it was really embarrassing. I know that I can get stronger and can still make friends and make the team it is just really frustrating and I just want to lay in bed and forget about everything. But I am still happier than I was before, even more than I was a couple days at home. I have always been so afraid of being judged by people and I felt like they were all looking at me, placing a label on me. I know that I can get through it and I have to. I know I can handle my classes and soccer because I love it and I am happy here. I was so overwhelmed by my class and everything this morning but then I finished my essay earlier than I thought I could so that boosted my confidence a little bit.
I really need to work on leaving the drama of Duluth behind though it is very difficult. I want to talk to people there, and I know that I can, I just need to not obsess over things there that I can't change and don't really matter. Hopefully my new beginning will lead me down a better path than the one I was traveling before and I know in my heart that it will.

The Reflection You See...

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe.

Today is the first day of 2011, the first day of the rest of my life, a time to say goodbye to the good and bad of 2010. 2010 was a year that I looked forward to for years. It was the year of my graduation, when I could finally go to college and have my freedom. I had so many good times sprinkled with some bad and some I try not to remember. My senior year flew by and to some extent I hardly remember it. Though I do remember the good times. Summer was one of the best times of my life despite friend drama and home troubles. I made the best of it trying to not focus on the bad. This attitude soon left me when I arrived at Drake. College was not what I expected and not what I wanted. I now can't wait to move into Luther tomorrow, to meet new friends and have new experiences. I have what so many would like to have, a second change. After one terrible semester I know what I want to fix and do better. I have realized that I need to live in the present and look toward the future, not dwelling in the past. Sure those friends are good when I'm home but I need to make new ones and continue on in my own way, not held back by past experiences. I am not the person who I used to be. I don't need to pretend to be anyone except myself. I am finally on the narrow path that will lead me in the direction I know is right for me. I absolutely can't wait to start my new life, my second chance. Bring it 2011.

Who Can Say If I've Been Changed for the Better, but Because I Knew You I Have Been Changed for Good

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. 

Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never the same.

Today I closed one chapter in the book of my life. I left Drake behind, the school, the friends, and the memories. I knew it would be hard to leave but it was way harder than I thought it would be. Today I realized that I was not only leaving my new best friends, I was leaving my family. Though we always joke about our litte family, that is what we've become. We have each other's backs and have shared so many memories. Last night was by far one of the best nights with them. Sneaking our mattresses into one room and then just talking for hours was the perfect last night. Even through the petty drama frequently finds its way into our lives, I have come to love each and every one of my new friends and it is so difficult to leave that behind. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and that the reason I went to Drake was to meet people who will always be a part of me. I know that realistically I won't stay in close contact with them but I know that I have left a little part of myself there, which was immediately filled with a little piece of them that I will carry with me. Even though they were only in my life for a little while and I know that I need to move on, they have made an imprint on my life that, though it may fade, will remain forever.

Almost Goodbye

With only one final left, it has begun to hit me that tomorrow I will be leaving Des Moines and not coming back. I have to leave somewhere I have lived for almost four months, pack my things, and say goodbye to friends. I cannot say that I haven't made friends here but I still can't call it home. Yes, Drake is somewhere I have made friends and gone to school but it isn't home. Home is still in Duluth with old friends and family. Yet as much as I can't wait to drive home tomorrow, I also can't wait to go to Luther and make a new home. It blows my mind that some of my friends here want to stay here longer rather than going back home. I wish I could be one of those people but I can't here. Hopefully with a new year and new beginnings things will change for the better. While I have been away, realizing who I am, I have also found out who my real friends are. I know who I truly want to spend time with when I get home and who I will see just to have a good time. My best friends have stayed the same and now I know that our friendship will remain despite all the miles in between us. Through the trials of this semester I now have a better understanding of myself and what I am capable of. I know that I can say no and stay true to my morals. I have discovered what kind of people that i want in my life. It will be interesting to be home for a few weeks and see if things have changed. It is my hope that things are only changing for the better.

Two Roads...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

As the end of the semester comes even closer, I can't believe how fast it has gone by. I have made many friends and even more memories. I know it will be very bittersweet leaving Drake with some inevitable tears yet I know in my heart that I am making the right decision. I need to take the path less traveled by. In just 23 short days I will be going back to school, but starting fresh. I will be able to be, again, whom ever I want to be. I know I will miss the friends I have made but I just can't stay. Whenever someone asks me why I'm leaving, which I've been asked countless times, I'm not quite sure how to reply. It's something that no one else can understand. I need to be somewhere where I am truly joyful. I know being happy 24/7 just isn't realistic but here I am sinking deeper into a hole and I didn't know how to get out until recently. Transferring feels like my only option to being truly happy and satisfied with my life. I know that I could stay at Drake and survive. But I don't want to simply survive, I want to love every minute of my life since you can never know what tomorrow will bring.