It's Times LIke These You Learn to Live Again

Carpe diem, seize the day, make your lives extraordinary.

Recently I realized that I've been severely neglecting this blog! When revisiting it, I realized that I have had a sort of life changing view. I previously said that I was changing throughout the past year but in a lot of ways it was mostly talk. Starting now I am going to tweak a lot of things about my life, not really making life shattering changes but small things here and there. Things that really matter. One of those things is that I've decided to blog more. Now this may be every other day or at least one a week. I think it will be a good way for me to evaluate my progress, especially since I'm fairly certain no one else reads this. 
I have recently, mainly over J-Term, realized that I need a severe attitude adjustment. A good friend helped me to realize this. I know in my heart that I am a fairly pretty, smart, fun person, but there is something inside myself where I can't quite believe it, even when people assure me of such. I am still not yet sure how I am going to go about it but I definitely need to make a change here so I don't drive away friends and miss out on meeting new people. Although I know the problem is something to do with my perception and internal thinkings, I also believe that my friends from high school largely added to this problem. From people putting me down almost every day to some of us saying we were awkward, I really took it to heart and it is something that is difficult to get rid of. 
Another thing I have been thinking about a lot is what I believe. My religion class and friends, mainly Jamie, have really got me to think about religion vs biology and about environmental issues. It is something that I'm really going to have to think about and am not quite sure where to turn to get help. I have realized recently that I am very influenced by other people, which isn't always a good thing. This even goes for my mom. We get along so well and I always value and take to heart her opinions and advice, but recently I have seen that it has negatively affected some aspects of my life. I am getting to the age where I truly need to look inside myself and to God to find the answers. 
Over J-Term not only was I given a lot of time to really think about my life, I also read somewhat of a life changing book. I picked up Eat, Pray, Love mostly because I heard it was good and I wanted to read the book before I saw the movie, but it ended up mean much more than that to me. I really connected with the main character and need to look back and really think about the lessons I learned from that book.
I have many visions about who I could, should, and want to be but I am not yet sure how to make all these converge into reality. I am going to try to stick to this blog as a way to keep myself honest about what I am truly doing and to hopefully record my progress as I grow into who I truly want and am destined to be.


February 28, 2012

I Am Blessed

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

So it's a month into summer and I already miss Luther already. Not only do I miss being away from home, but I miss my friends and the atmosphere of the school. Being home is not quite as bad as I thought it would be; I just spend most days working out, reading at Barnes and Nobel, and working. Not too exciting but it lets me keep my sanity for the most part. 

A while ago I started thinking about the kind of guy I was going to marry and, due to the guy I was dating at the time, thought that I could make anything work. But now I have discovered how big of a mistake that was, one that I regret ever day. I am, however, trying to not place things into a regret category, but to just learn from them. I figured out the kind of guy I want and need and stopped looking for him, believe that God would lead me to him on his schedule, not mine. I was so fixated on figuring out my future that I tried to take it out of God's hands. As soon as I realized this, He lead a wonderful guy into my life. After just 2 months I have found that I can't imagine my life without him. He's literally everything I ever wanted in a guy. He builds me up, never tearing me down, and is helping me to grow in my faith. Through every bad time he's there to put a smile on my face. When the whole world walks out on me, he's the guy that walks in. I have found my fairytale.

I have also realized that I am a trusting person to a fault. Looking back on past posts there are some things I wish I could delete because they were lies told to me, people I lost respect for, ones who lied, and memories I wish I could erase. But like I said before I am trying to show agape and live by TEC. I am just thankful that I have friends (a few from home and many from Luther) who I know truly like me for who I am and won't betray me. I believe now more than ever that everything happens for a reason and that there is a beautiful plan for me, I just need to listen. 

Another thing I have thought about recently is the difference between being lucky and being blessed. Though I do not see myself as a generally lucky person, I know that I am blessed. I am blessed to have the people I love in my life. Saying blessed, to me, gives God the credit, taking it out of the earthly realm. 

I'm just going to keep living my life for myself in God's image and the way he wants me to. agape.

The Best Things Come When You Aren't Looking

Every long lost dream led me to where you are. 

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars, pointing me on my way into your loving arms. 

This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.

I find it amazing how the best things seem to find us when we least expect it. I decided that I was going take a break from liking guys more than friends, I couldn't handle it anymore and I need to focus on myself. Even though there are amazing people at Luther, I hadn't met any guys who built me up, helping me grow in my faith and figure out who I am. Then out of the blue I met this guy and we started talking and found we had a lot in common. He is friends with my closest friends so I thought he might be a new best guy friend. We played racquetball and soccer one Saturday and everything just clicked. We ended up sitting outside for four hours, just talking. We have literally everything in common and, even though we haven't know each other that long, it feels like we have been dating forever. I am astounded that there are more amazing guys in this world. Throughout my life I have been looking for things, searching everywhere, but I have finally found that once I stop looking, amazing things happen. I feel so secure in my morals and my faith, nothing could bring me down. I have never in my life been so satisfied with the direction my life is heading. Although I have always firmly believed that God will direct my life in an amazing way, I now can see it. Belief without proof is so wonderful it is beyond words. Even when I think my prayers fall on deaf ears, I know that God has some plan for me, more amazing than I could ever think of on my own. I am finally realizing how to live by TEC every day. Agape <3

Agape

"Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.
Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love.
Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.
Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful." 

Although my spring break was pretty uneventful since I was sick for most of it, I also had the best weekend of my life. Going to tec has been so special to me ever since I first went as a junior. It really changed my life for the better and has taught me that there are people, and God, who love me unconditionally beyond my faults. I thought that maybe it would be different since I was now on Wisdom and an adult and I was right, but not in the way I thought. It was definitely my favorite tec since I went through. I got to spend a weekend with my best friends, ones who would hold me when I was crying, hug me for no reason, and make me feel loved. Even though I was loving Luther before, part of me was struggling with my faith life and personal issues. Tec helped me to put God back as number one in my life. Yesterday, I was told by someone that I have an amazing relationship with God and that is something that he respects and even envys. Although we aren't together anymore, partially for that reason, I have never respected someone more for saying that and not wanting to hold me back in my professional and spiritual life. As hard as break ups are, I respect him so much more now that he wants me to stay true to my values even if they don't agree with his. I have also been thinking a lot about summer which is 6.5 weeks away! I am kind of excited but at the same time I will really miss my friends here at Luther. I can't wait to see some of my best friends but also I am afraid that things will be different. I'm not sure what has been with me lately but I am trying my best to figure things out and let God have complete control of my life for I believe that he has an amazing plan for me and I just have to follow him to find it. Agape <3

Look Towards the Future...

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances.

Losing and finding happiness.

Appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

I realized that I have been so caught up with school, friends, soccer, and new experiences that I have neglected this blog. I guess since I have shared so many sad days, it's now time to share the happy ones too. I love Luther and I can't imagine myself somewhere else. It's weird because I feel like I've gone here longer than a few months. I've already met many amazing people and have started to get my life back and headed in the right direction. One thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is relationships and the future in that respect. For so long I had this picture of the guy I would marry, but now I wonder about that and what will actually happen. How do two people who like each other and have the potential to love bridge differences. I like to think that love conquers all and if it is meant to be it will happen. But still I wonder if I will really know what to do when the times comes. I guess you have to date a lot of the wrong guys to find the right one. Before I came to Luther I was sure I would date/marry a very athletic, smart, musical guy who wanted to be a doctor or something like that and who had basically the same upbringing as myself. Yet now I am not sure, maybe he'll be averagely smart, in a band, and with a very different background than mine. But I guess 6 days isn't long enough to make life long decisions so for right now I'm going to continue to enjoy myself and trust that God will put everything into place for me.

Crossing the Bridge

It seems hard to believe but I finished one class at Luther! Though I really enjoyed j-term, I was definitely ready for a week off. Being home was so much fun but it was ready to come back to my new home. Yes, I am finally able to call somewhere home, besides my house in Duluth. I love my roommates, floormates, and teammates and I truly feel like I belong here. While at home I was able to escape from college life for a little bit; sleeping in my own bed, eating great food, and hanging out with both my family and friends still stuck in the grasp of high school. The best night of my break was definitely a "bumpin rave tunes" ski party complete with hours of dancing with black lights and glow sticks, catching up with old friends and meeting new once. I had a blast going to alpine and nordic ski races, cheering loud and trying to embarrass my friends. Overall I had an amazing break but when Tuesday rolled around, I was ready to come back home, to Decorah and Luther. The first two days have gone well and I like my classes but I can see that between homework, scurrying to class in the cold, and soccer work outs I will be really busy! I am looking forward to meeting many more new people and continuing my journey after crossing the bridge into my new life. I am keeping in contact with my friends at Drake and I miss them but I know that I have made the right decision in coming here. Throughout the ups and downs of daily life I can now say that I LOVE LIFE!! :)

Raise Me Up

For to His angels He's given a command

to guard you in all of your ways;

upon their hands they will bear you up,

lest you dash your foot against a stone.

And He will raise you up on eagles’ wings,

bear you on the breath of dawn,

make you to shine like the sun,

and hold you in the palm of His hand.

I can't believe that I have been at Luther for a week and a half already! Although it seems like I just got here, at the same time it feels like I've been here for longer. I absolutely love it here! I truly believe that God sent me to Drake so I would be able to choose where I really belong. No matter what happens here I know that I am meant to be there and that pretty much nothing could be worse than my experience at Drake! Although I made great friends last semester and I do miss them, I have made even better ones now. I feel like I fit in and that I truly belong. As silly as it sounds, there are so many better guys here also! My days are filled with homework, class, soccer workouts, intramural basketball and soccer games, and just hanging out with my roommates and new friends. I couldn't have asked for better roommates or floor mates, though our room (not my side of course) gets VERY messy, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't bother me too much. Last weekend I was able to briefly hang out with one of my very good friends from elementary school, which made my first week here even better. After going to a week of soccer workouts, although I still am quite comparatively weak, I think that I can do it and I am doubting myself less. At Luther I am so much happier and self confident, which I believe is due in a large part to my surroundings.