Life is a Journey, Not a Destination

I Am Blessed

2011-06-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

So it's a month into summer and I already miss Luther already. Not only do I miss being away from home, but I miss my friends and the atmosphere of the school. Being home is not quite as bad as I thought it would be; I just spend most days working out, reading at Barnes and Nobel, and working. Not too exciting but it lets me keep my sanity for the most part.

A while ago I started thinking about the kind of guy I was going to marry and, due to the guy I was dating at the time, thought that I could make anything work. But now I have discovered how big of a mistake that was, one that I regret ever day. I am, however, trying to not place things into a regret category, but to just learn from them. I figured out the kind of guy I want and need and stopped looking for him, believe that God would lead me to him on his schedule, not mine. I was so fixated on figuring out my future that I tried to take it out of God's hands. As soon as I realized this, He lead a wonderful guy into my life. After just 2 months I have found that I can't imagine my life without him. He's literally everything I ever wanted in a guy. He builds me up, never tearing me down, and is helping me to grow in my faith. Through every bad time he's there to put a smile on my face. When the whole world walks out on me, he's the guy that walks in. I have found my fairytale.

I have also realized that I am a trusting person to a fault. Looking back on past posts there are some things I wish I could delete because they were lies told to me, people I lost respect for, ones who lied, and memories I wish I could erase. But like I said before I am trying to show agape and live by TEC. I am just thankful that I have friends (a few from home and many from Luther) who I know truly like me for who I am and won't betray me. I believe now more than ever that everything happens for a reason and that there is a beautiful plan for me, I just need to listen.

Another thing I have thought about recently is the difference between being lucky and being blessed. Though I do not see myself as a generally lucky person, I know that I am blessed. I am blessed to have the people I love in my life. Saying blessed, to me, gives God the credit, taking it out of the earthly realm.

I'm just going to keep living my life for myself in God's image and the way he wants me to. agape.

The Best Things Come When You Aren't Looking

2011-04-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

Every long lost dream led me to where you are.

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars, pointing me on my way into your loving arms.

This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.

I find it amazing how the best things seem to find us when we least expect it. I decided that I was going take a break from liking guys more than friends, I couldn't handle it anymore and I need to focus on myself. Even though there are amazing people at Luther, I hadn't met any guys who built me up, helping me grow in my faith and figure out who I am. Then out of the blue I met this guy and we started talking and found we had a lot in common. He is friends with my closest friends so I thought he might be a new best guy friend. We played racquetball and soccer one Saturday and everything just clicked. We ended up sitting outside for four hours, just talking. We have literally everything in common and, even though we haven't know each other that long, it feels like we have been dating forever. I am astounded that there are more amazing guys in this world. Throughout my life I have been looking for things, searching everywhere, but I have finally found that once I stop looking, amazing things happen. I feel so secure in my morals and my faith, nothing could bring me down. I have never in my life been so satisfied with the direction my life is heading. Although I have always firmly believed that God will direct my life in an amazing way, I now can see it. Belief without proof is so wonderful it is beyond words. Even when I think my prayers fall on deaf ears, I know that God has some plan for me, more amazing than I could ever think of on my own. I am finally realizing how to live by TEC every day. Agape <3

Agape

2011-03-30T07:45:00.000-07:00

"Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.
Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love.
Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.
Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful."

Although my spring break was pretty uneventful since I was sick for most of it, I also had the best weekend of my life. Going to tec has been so special to me ever since I first went as a junior. It really changed my life for the better and has taught me that there are people, and God, who love me unconditionally beyond my faults. I thought that maybe it would be different since I was now on Wisdom and an adult and I was right, but not in the way I thought. It was definitely my favorite tec since I went through. I got to spend a weekend with my best friends, ones who would hold me when I was crying, hug me for no reason, and make me feel loved. Even though I was loving Luther before, part of me was struggling with my faith life and personal issues. Tec helped me to put God back as number one in my life. Yesterday, I was told by someone that I have an amazing relationship with God and that is something that he respects and even envys. Although we aren't together anymore, partially for that reason, I have never respected someone more for saying that and not wanting to hold me back in my professional and spiritual life. As hard as break ups are, I respect him so much more now that he wants me to stay true to my values even if they don't agree with his. I have also been thinking a lot about summer which is 6.5 weeks away! I am kind of excited but at the same time I will really miss my friends here at Luther. I can't wait to see some of my best friends but also I am afraid that things will be different. I'm not sure what has been with me lately but I am trying my best to figure things out and let God have complete control of my life for I believe that he has an amazing plan for me and I just have to follow him to find it. Agape <3

Look Towards the Future...

2011-03-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances.

Losing and finding happiness.

Appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

I realized that I have been so caught up with school, friends, soccer, and new experiences that I have neglected this blog. I guess since I have shared so many sad days, it's now time to share the happy ones too. I love Luther and I can't imagine myself somewhere else. It's weird because I feel like I've gone here longer than a few months. I've already met many amazing people and have started to get my life back and headed in the right direction. One thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is relationships and the future in that respect. For so long I had this picture of the guy I would marry, but now I wonder about that and what will actually happen. How do two people who like each other and have the potential to love bridge differences. I like to think that love conquers all and if it is meant to be it will happen. But still I wonder if I will really know what to do when the times comes. I guess you have to date a lot of the wrong guys to find the right one. Before I came to Luther I was sure I would date/marry a very athletic, smart, musical guy who wanted to be a doctor or something like that and who had basically the same upbringing as myself. Yet now I am not sure, maybe he'll be averagely smart, in a band, and with a very different background than mine. But I guess 6 days isn't long enough to make life long decisions so for right now I'm going to continue to enjoy myself and trust that God will put everything into place for me.

Crossing the Bridge

2011-02-03T14:57:00.000-08:00

It seems hard to believe but I finished one class at Luther! Though I really enjoyed j-term, I was definitely ready for a week off. Being home was so much fun but it was ready to come back to my new home. Yes, I am finally able to call somewhere home, besides my house in Duluth. I love my roommates, floormates, and teammates and I truly feel like I belong here. While at home I was able to escape from college life for a little bit; sleeping in my own bed, eating great food, and hanging out with both my family and friends still stuck in the grasp of high school. The best night of my break was definitely a "bumpin rave tunes" ski party complete with hours of dancing with black lights and glow sticks, catching up with old friends and meeting new once. I had a blast going to alpine and nordic ski races, cheering loud and trying to embarrass my friends. Overall I had an amazing break but when Tuesday rolled around, I was ready to come back home, to Decorah and Luther. The first two days have gone well and I like my classes but I can see that between homework, scurrying to class in the cold, and soccer work outs I will be really busy! I am looking forward to meeting many more new people and continuing my journey after crossing the bridge into my new life. I am keeping in contact with my friends at Drake and I miss them but I know that I have made the right decision in coming here. Throughout the ups and downs of daily life I can now say that I LOVE LIFE!! :)

Raise Me Up

2011-01-12T11:20:00.000-08:00

For to His angels He's given a command

to guard you in all of your ways;

upon their hands they will bear you up,

lest you dash your foot against a stone.

And He will raise you up on eagles’ wings,

bear you on the breath of dawn,

make you to shine like the sun,

and hold you in the palm of His hand.

I can't believe that I have been at Luther for a week and a half already! Although it seems like I just got here, at the same time it feels like I've been here for longer. I absolutely love it here! I truly believe that God sent me to Drake so I would be able to choose where I really belong. No matter what happens here I know that I am meant to be there and that pretty much nothing could be worse than my experience at Drake! Although I made great friends last semester and I do miss them, I have made even better ones now. I feel like I fit in and that I truly belong. As silly as it sounds, there are so many better guys here also! My days are filled with homework, class, soccer workouts, intramural basketball and soccer games, and just hanging out with my roommates and new friends. I couldn't have asked for better roommates or floor mates, though our room (not my side of course) gets VERY messy, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't bother me too much. Last weekend I was able to briefly hang out with one of my very good friends from elementary school, which made my first week here even better. After going to a week of soccer workouts, although I still am quite comparatively weak, I think that I can do it and I am doubting myself less. At Luther I am so much happier and self confident, which I believe is due in a large part to my surroundings.

New Beginnings

2011-01-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

Here I am, sitting at my new desk at Luther College, 5 hours from the comfort of my home. I see it as the sunrise to my new life. I have been given a chance many people would kill for and most do not get. I get to start college over, to be who I truly want to be. After a semester of being unhappy about 98% of the time I am ready to be a very happy person and I can't wait to see what the future will bring. I think that I am already beginning to be one of those "I LOVE LUTHER" people, someone who can't see themselves anywhere else. I love my roommates and my floor. Basically I just love it though it is still hard. I still feel a little lost and I don't know all of the inside jokes, though I am always included. It is more of my home than Drake ever was yet I am still not entirely at home here yet either. I feel in limbo with no real place I fit in perfectly yet though I'm sure that day will come very soon. Yesterday I decided to join the soccer team here. Yes, the actual varsity team, not club anymore. I was beyond excited! That is until I went and lifted with the team. Beforehand we played some soccer, which was fun and the girls were really nice yet I felt like an outsider, not part of the team. But I guess this is to be expected, joining the team in the middle of the year. It was even worse when we had to max on bench. I am probably the weakest athlete ever and it was really embarrassing. I know that I can get stronger and can still make friends and make the team it is just really frustrating and I just want to lay in bed and forget about everything. But I am still happier than I was before, even more than I was a couple days at home. I have always been so afraid of being judged by people and I felt like they were all looking at me, placing a label on me. I know that I can get through it and I have to. I know I can handle my classes and soccer because I love it and I am happy here. I was so overwhelmed by my class and everything this morning but then I finished my essay earlier than I thought I could so that boosted my confidence a little bit.
I really need to work on leaving the drama of Duluth behind though it is very difficult. I want to talk to people there, and I know that I can, I just need to not obsess over things there that I can't change and don't really matter. Hopefully my new beginning will lead me down a better path than the one I was traveling before and I know in my heart that it will.

The Reflection You See...

2011-01-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe.

Today is the first day of 2011, the first day of the rest of my life, a time to say goodbye to the good and bad of 2010. 2010 was a year that I looked forward to for years. It was the year of my graduation, when I could finally go to college and have my freedom. I had so many good times sprinkled with some bad and some I try not to remember. My senior year flew by and to some extent I hardly remember it. Though I do remember the good times. Summer was one of the best times of my life despite friend drama and home troubles. I made the best of it trying to not focus on the bad. This attitude soon left me when I arrived at Drake. College was not what I expected and not what I wanted. I now can't wait to move into Luther tomorrow, to meet new friends and have new experiences. I have what so many would like to have, a second change. After one terrible semester I know what I want to fix and do better. I have realized that I need to live in the present and look toward the future, not dwelling in the past. Sure those friends are good when I'm home but I need to make new ones and continue on in my own way, not held back by past experiences. I am not the person who I used to be. I don't need to pretend to be anyone except myself. I am finally on the narrow path that will lead me in the direction I know is right for me. I absolutely can't wait to start my new life, my second chance. Bring it 2011.

Who Can Say If I've Been Changed for the Better, but Because I Knew You I Have Been Changed for Good

2010-12-15T22:04:00.000-08:00

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never the same.

Today I closed one chapter in the book of my life. I left Drake behind, the school, the friends, and the memories. I knew it would be hard to leave but it was way harder than I thought it would be. Today I realized that I was not only leaving my new best friends, I was leaving my family. Though we always joke about our litte family, that is what we've become. We have each other's backs and have shared so many memories. Last night was by far one of the best nights with them. Sneaking our mattresses into one room and then just talking for hours was the perfect last night. Even through the petty drama frequently finds its way into our lives, I have come to love each and every one of my new friends and it is so difficult to leave that behind. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and that the reason I went to Drake was to meet people who will always be a part of me. I know that realistically I won't stay in close contact with them but I know that I have left a little part of myself there, which was immediately filled with a little piece of them that I will carry with me. Even though they were only in my life for a little while and I know that I need to move on, they have made an imprint on my life that, though it may fade, will remain forever.

Almost Goodbye

2010-12-14T14:17:00.000-08:00

With only one final left, it has begun to hit me that tomorrow I will be leaving Des Moines and not coming back. I have to leave somewhere I have lived for almost four months, pack my things, and say goodbye to friends. I cannot say that I haven't made friends here but I still can't call it home. Yes, Drake is somewhere I have made friends and gone to school but it isn't home. Home is still in Duluth with old friends and family. Yet as much as I can't wait to drive home tomorrow, I also can't wait to go to Luther and make a new home. It blows my mind that some of my friends here want to stay here longer rather than going back home. I wish I could be one of those people but I can't here. Hopefully with a new year and new beginnings things will change for the better. While I have been away, realizing who I am, I have also found out who my real friends are. I know who I truly want to spend time with when I get home and who I will see just to have a good time. My best friends have stayed the same and now I know that our friendship will remain despite all the miles in between us. Through the trials of this semester I now have a better understanding of myself and what I am capable of. I know that I can say no and stay true to my morals. I have discovered what kind of people that i want in my life. It will be interesting to be home for a few weeks and see if things have changed. It is my hope that things are only changing for the better.

Two Roads...

2010-12-10T10:29:00.000-08:00


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

As the end of the semester comes even closer, I can't believe how fast it has gone by. I have made many friends and even more memories. I know it will be very bittersweet leaving Drake with some inevitable tears yet I know in my heart that I am making the right decision. I need to take the path less traveled by. In just 23 short days I will be going back to school, but starting fresh. I will be able to be, again, whom ever I want to be. I know I will miss the friends I have made but I just can't stay. Whenever someone asks me why I'm leaving, which I've been asked countless times, I'm not quite sure how to reply. It's something that no one else can understand. I need to be somewhere where I am truly joyful. I know being happy 24/7 just isn't realistic but here I am sinking deeper into a hole and I didn't know how to get out until recently. Transferring feels like my only option to being truly happy and satisfied with my life. I know that I could stay at Drake and survive. But I don't want to simply survive, I want to love every minute of my life since you can never know what tomorrow will bring.